Friday, 27 December 2013

An exercise in mindfulness

I spent Christmas day alone.

Don't feel sorry for me, I could have spent it with family but opted to spend the day alone. It's horribly easy to get down in situations like this. It's all too easy to feel the pressure to be with people at Christmas and in turn to feel lonely when you aren't.

I read a quote recently and it was able how in English we have two words to describe the two sides of being on your own; solitude to describe the joy of being alone and loneliness to describe to dark side of being alone. Something to that affect anyway.

I feel like mindfulness is about examining the here and now, even whilst working towards something. I didn't spend my Christmas day comparing myself with what I might have been doing, or what I had done in the past, I focused on the moments which made up my day. I had control of the remote (and being Christmas and having the ability to record stuff to then watch later) I could enjoy watching some tv. I also enjoyed going out for a walk with my dog back in our old village. Despite the rain and the wind and the cold I got to enjoy running around with my dog. I read. I watched the Doctor Who Christmas special. I then did my washing up before watching some classic Doctor Who. Everything was on my schedule and this allowed me to focus on things I enjoyed. It wasn't big, it wasn't flashy, it was quiet and simple and an exercise in mindfulness.

There are many situations in life where we can look at them in different ways. Being alone can be a joy or it can be a horrible time of loneliness.

I spent Boxing Day with family. I felt pangs of sadness when I left them to walk to my car but then I looked up at the beautiful colour of the darkening sky, noticed the cool freshness of the air I was breathing, the weight in my hand of the bag full of presents I had been given and I felt blessed. What a wonderful moment in time.

I hope you all had a good Christmas, however you spent it.

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Maybe this time I will post something I write . . .

So since I got out of hospital nearly a month ago I have written out a few posts and then meant to come back the next day to editing and share.

In short - surgery mostly went well. I got haemotoma on one side, so I spent a total of four days in hospital. Lessons I have learnt for future hospital stays include taking a food parcel in with me, along with a sim card for my phone with a massive amount of data allowance plus something like my kindle. I was on twitter and facebook a lot whilst I was in hospital and also read LOTS. The less said about hospital food the better. All I'm going to say at this point is that there was far too much gluten and no where near enough protein or vegetables.

Since I got home I have slowly regained movement but my energy levels have been pants. I was struck today by the thought that maybe part of my problem is withdrawal from my anti-depressant. Aside from the withdrawal stuff there is now no need for me to be on medication for depression. I now need to decide whether to carry on with the withdrawal or whether to go back onto medication and just get my feet back under me after surgery.

One thing I have managed to do with my time is read. I think I'm on my 8th book since I went into hospital. Some of them have been novellas, but I have also read Rosemary's Baby, Pinocchio, A Doll's House and am now on The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Yeah I've been playing with those lists of top 100 books and realised that I really wished that I had read more.

The real downside of surgery has been that now my belly sticks out more than my chest. All that stupid comfort eating.